Grandfather died.

He handed me a letter, told me not to open it until the day I had a soul-sucking job that made me miserable.

Seemed a bit presumptuous to assume I’d seek out a job I hate in the near future, but he was a dying old man, so... you know. Seemed right to just take the thing, give his rudeness a pass.

Ended up working here:

So joke’s on me.

Anyway, finally opened Grandpa’s letter. It’s a deed! To a Farm! In goddamn Stardew Valley, a city called Pelican Town of all places. A town out in the middle of nowhere.

It’s been years since he gave me this letter. Who’s been paying property taxes? Has anyone been maintaining the place? Did it get foreclosed? Am I gonna have to go to probate court and fight the local bank?

Anyway, apparently having not learned enough about poor career choices, I’ve dropped everything, packed all my possessions, and moved to Stardew Valley.


Greeted by Robin at the bus stop.

Showed me around the property. Still know nothing about the finances, but I do know who’s been maintaining the place now.

No one.

The answer is no one.

Thanks, Grandpa. You know, if he’d said “here’s a deed to a farm,” I could’ve prepared for this. Paid property taxes, maybe hired someone to tidy the place up. But no, you’re right gramps, “here’s a mystery letter with a lifetime responsibility hidden inside” is a much better approach.

Mayor suggested I introduce myself to everyone in town. Will work on that later today.

Asked to name the farm. Wrote in “Monsanto.” Pretty sure I’ve heard that name in relation to farming before. Name recognition might get me a leg up on the competition.

Day 1 of New Life as a Farmer

There is no competition.

I explored the town today and found no other farmers. Anywhere.

Lewis, the town mayor, has a garden, but it can grow like, what, five plants?

I am the best farmer in Stardew Valley and I haven’t grown a single thing yet. It's a good feeling, but it does come at a cost -- I also have no one to ask how to grow things.

Walked into people’s houses. They were home, so I had to say hi. Everyone leaves their doors unlocked around here.

Noted for later, in case this farming thing doesn’t work out.

Found a museum with nothing on display. The owner, Gunther, asked me to populate his museum for him in case I “find any artifacts or minerals”.

Not sure if Gunther knows how museum’s work, but I don’t know how farms work and just became the best -- and only -- farmer in town, so who am I to judge?

Everyone knows I’ve moved here and has opinions about it. I’ve heard word travels fast in a small town. Am now realizing how fast.

Met Abigail. She confessed to sneaking around my property over the past few years while it went into its decrepit state.

Note to self -- Set up bear traps.

Met Pam.

Pam and I will not get along.

Met George.

George and I will get along fine.

Met Pierre, owner of local general store. By necessity, him and I will be best friends.

Met Shane.

No feelings one way or the other yet.

Met Robin -- again.

Yes, it is. So is writing in this journal after each one.

Met Demetrius, “local scientist and father”.

Met Linus, the town bum. He tells me he lives off the land, but I’ve seen this before.

He's a Bum.

He rummages in trash cans at night.

That's a Bum.

Evening -- Rummaged in trash cans. Local boy, alex, saw me.

Note to self -- Learn to grow things.

Second note -- learn to cook those things.

third note -- Learn how to make money.

Day 2

Received a note from “Willy” asking me to come to the beach.

Who is Willy? Thought letter intended for grandfather at first, but he’s been dead for years. So not likely.

Met Leah on the way to Wily. She remarks:

I don’t think it does. I also don’t think we live all that far “outside of town”.

Found Willy by the beach. He gave me his old fishing rod. Me, a complete stranger, who he’s never met before.

Grandpa, where the hell have you been living all these years?

Met Elliot near the beach as well.

Thought I was straight until right now. Elliot says my arrival has sparked many a conversation. About what?

Met Penny. Appears to be the only teacher in town, but that’s fine, because there’s only two kids to teach.

Thanks to Willy’s fishing rod, I finally have the means to make some money -- albeit not much.

Note to self -- The fish in this town are strong. Buy weights on amazon later.

Day 3

First rain of my new life as farmer.

Decided to apply new fishing skills to pond in Monsanto farm.

Found an unopened Jojo cola in pond, Logo design circa 1985.

Have not had anything to drink in three days -- drank it.

Tastes fine.

Fished up soggy newspaper. Asked myself, “who do I know who would like old things?”

Was wrong.

Note to self -- George does not like soggy newspapers.

Visited Jojo Mart. Shane looked unhappy while working.

Gave him a log to cheer him up.

People in this town are ungrateful. I hate all of them.

Day 4

Collected wood. My superhuman strength allows me to carry three hundred logs at once, so we’re good here.

Used it all to build a bridge by the beach. Collected coral.

Looking back, it was a strange thing to consider doing.

Evening -- Made bank of coral. Genius thing to consider doing.

Day 5

Received quest from Willy to find Tiger Trout.

Note to self -- ask where to find Tiger Trout.

Tried to make amends with George by giving him an Anchovy.

Amends not made.

Gave Linus a thing I found on the ground.

This is the first time someone’s ever liked a gift.

Received a note saying the way into the cave is now open. Walked inside to find an old man who claims to run the “adventurer's guild.” Then he gave me a rusty sword.

What the hell is wrong with this town?

Day 6

Awoke to this letter.

I swear, there is a natural hallucinogenic in the air around this town. Beneath us is a hot spring filled with LSD, and it all just evaporates into the air. The whole town has a contact high, I’m sure of it.

Left house to go fishing. Found the mayor waiting by a condemned building.

Saw this.

Did -- did I actually quit my job, or did I just sniff too deep near a marker, and I’m sitting high as a kite in my cubicle?

Gave Leah a fish.

Finally, someone who knows how to graciously take a gift they don’t like!

Tested Algae on Pierre.

Nope, he’s not a fan.

11:40 PM - Forgot how to get home. Lost in woods at night.

Send help.

Day 7

Gave Jodi a daffodil.

I don’t know how to human.

It’s Lewis Birthday. Saw he likes to garden. Gave him some tulip seeds.

Or thought I did. Ends up they were potato seeds.


Went back to the community center to search for the thing I spotted yesterday. Found this instead.

Breathing the air in this town too deep.

Note to self -- buy high quality respirator on amazon.

Day 9

This town has a wizard.

A wizard.

It has a WIZARD.

And he has soup! Really good soup, that make me feel all... alll...

Note -- Make friends with wizard. Really good friends.

Visit often.

Day 10

Lady arrived on my porch and gave me a dog.

People have a funny way of looking at big responsibilities around here. It must’ve rubbed off on grandpa.

Found this store.

I am now convinced Stardew Valley is a mental ward and I am its only patient. It's like Shutter Island with a dash of Charlotte's Web, only the animals I keep seeing are of no earthly creation and speak in obnoxious, indecipherable gibberish.

To Be Continued in Part 2.